Domestic Violence – A Narrative

“You are a Mausi now,” said Abby, “it’s a girl!”

As they say, images are very powerful. Her life reeled out in a flash in front of me. Abhilasha (we always called her Abby) was full of optimism. Her personality was an amalgamation of beauty, intelligence, playfulness, and boldness. But at the same time sensitivity towards the delicate subjects that made her one of the most popular girls in the school as well as college. Boys used to compete to get her attention but she was in her own world with her bunch of friends happily, living her dreams. Many years after we graduated and got married, I received a call from Abby. Her effervescent smile and careless laughter are still etched in my mind. But that day she sounded very different from the Abby I knew.
On the surface, her life was like a dream come true for any girl, a successful career, and marrying the man of her dreams. No one could fathom anything might be wrong and that’s where I was wrong! In her own words, she was struggling BIG time and was on the verge of total breakdown!

She casually mentioned nothing stresses her out as much as the family. Abby got married to Vaibhav, our class fellow, who had a different persona. He was shy, tall, dark and a man of few words and I guess that’s what attracted Abby to him. It was definitely a clichéd case of opposites attract. A meritorious student fell for an average Joe. The entire college knew they were madly in love with each other and would do anything to be part of each other’s life. After graduating both started working in reputed MNCs in the same city to keep their flame alive. Both families were educated and liberal and readily agreed to get them married. And everyone thought they lived happily ever after! But that was not the case with this love story. Things started to turn from rosy to grey. She started facing taunts and comments from her in-laws about the way she cooked, dressed, or even she addressed her husband like she must call him “AAP” instead of Tum (mind you these were the same people who were okay with Abby before the wedding!)

And as soon as Vaibhav went abroad for a small work assignment, things turned ugly. She was tortured mentally as well as physically and it was a clear case of domestic violence. It was baffling to know how a super confident girl can be a victim of domestic violence. The reason was persistent criticism of her looks, dressing sense, cooking skills; in short her being. And the love of her life was speechless in front of his parents. He simply ignored her situation by staying neutral even if he felt she was wrong. And one day after being persuaded he changed his neutral stance and hit her, the reason was SALT in daal! After narrating this incident to me Abby was crying uncontrollably and I didn’t console her. I said to her that the first thing she needs to do is take her life in her own hands. “That’s why I called,” she said. The next day at work we devised how she has to start her life again. She was very clear that she didn’t want to divorce Vaibhav as she knew he was not a bad person and still loved her. First, she booked a place in a working women’s hostel and moved next week, and then our tele sessions started.

As a friend who was a therapist she did various therapies like writing therapy which included penning down all her feelings about her situation and of course about her REAL relationship with Vaibhav. Since she was into painting, Art Therapy was an obvious choice, along with yoga, she did everything which I suggested and slowly and steadily old Abby started shining like her own self. Even though Vaibhav apologized for his behavior, Abby took time, initially, they used to talk to her over the phone only once a week but after three months when Abby was asked to meet for tea date, which she agreed. Vaibhav was surprised to see his Abby, she was an old version of herself who laughed carelessly and had a shine in her eyes. He felt as if they were in college dating again.

With time both of them realized it was lack of communication which had turned their dream into a nightmare!

After a few sessions with both of them together we created a framework where they could restart their life together again with ground rules that had to be followed by both parties. The most surprising part of this situation was that Abby’s parents didn’t have a clue about their daughter’s ordeal. She made me promise not to share anything with them which I had to agree with. It took a year for both Abby and Vaibhav to reconcile and start living together. It’s now almost three years since both Abby and Vaibhav are together and have welcomed their daughter today! In this journey, I have been in touch with them regularly to check up on how things were. Today both have great careers. At home, they have a live-in maid from Vaibhav’s native place who cooks according to their family’s palate. I remember Abby’s remark shortly after moving in together-

“Now, I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change, I am changing the things which I cannot accept!”

As a friend, I am over the moon for becoming a Maasi after a decade and as a therapist, I am happy that with my suggestions my client was not only able to save her relationship and begin a new chapter but also that she is able to do so with a regained confidence, self-respect and most importantly without compromising on her own dreams and ambitions.